Ethan's First Dance

Today, this week really, has been tough. I feel like life is moving full speed ahead and I'm stuck in slow motion. It seems like it was yesterday when Ethan was learning to walk. To talk. To smile. He was learning to love life and just being a little boy.

For the past few days I have been in a funk. Couldn't figure out why. Then today it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. My little boy, my first born, is growing up. This terrifies me. For anyone that knows our family well at all, you know that my relationship with Ethan has for many years been tense. Strained, really. Ya see, we are so much alike it works against us. Both stubborn. Both want our own way. Both hate taking orders. Both love with our whole heart and soul.

I realized today that I am so hard on Ethan because I see myself in him. I feel like I turned out pretty well(thanks to my very understanding folks) and I put so much pressure on Ethan to follow that path. So much so it pushes him away. I realize that I have spent the past eleven years being more like a drill Sargent than a nice, fun mom. To him at least. I guess since he's my first I'm learning through years and years of mistakes. The fact is, I'm gonna continue learning through mistakes the rest of my life.

I've been trying so hard to keep Ethan(and my other two) young and innocent that I really have forgotten what it's like to be a kid. To be carefree. When your greatest worry is if the weather will be nice so you can play outside. I've come to the conclusion that life is going to move on, my kids ARE going to mature and grow up and I need to deal with it whether I like it or not. I can keep trying to treat Ethan like the little boy he once was, the little boy I want him to stay, and push him away OR I can learn to embrace this new phase in life and become closer to Ethan than I ever have been before and watch and enjoy the young man he is turning in to. I choose to embrace this. I choose to embrace Ethan.

As I type this Ethan is at his first dance. He was so excited. He is DJ'ing the first hour. As I dropped him off and drove away, I cried...for the third time tonight. I can't wait to pick him up and hear all about it. He's all about the details. Mighty handsome if I do say so myself.

He taught me that it's possible to love unconditionally. And that it's possible to be loved unconditionally. He has shown me it's okay to let go...and to embrace the future.