Ya see, a couple months ago I started to feel my biological clock tick, tick, ticking away. I decided it was time to seriously start considering adding another addition to our family. And by addition, I don't mean another pet. I wanted ANOTHER baby.
We have three beautiful children that we love and adore more than anything, however, I kept thinking I wanted one more. I talked this over with Matt and didn't see it the same way. He politely told me I had lost my mind and that, I quote..."You are stupid!" He loves that Taya is our baby girl and that she has big brothers to love and protect her. In Matt's words "It's perfect the way it is." For me it's pretty close but not there just yet.
Matt had a ton of valid points as to why we are just fine at a family of five but I explained that I have a few valid points of my own. It's a feeling that goes way down deep inside of me. I don't just want to be pregnant again, I want to love and kiss another little life.
I talked this over with the boys...they said heck no...no more babies! They remember having to feed Taya in the car while she was screaming as we drove down the road.
I talked this over with Taya...SCORE!!! She was on my side! She wants to be a "big stister" so bad. So bad that that night as she prayed her nightly prayer she asked God..."God, please put a seed in mommies belly!" She wanted to know where babies came from and being the awesome mom I am, I told her the truth...God puts seeds in the mama's belly and the mama feeds and waters the seeds by the food and drinks she has and the seed magically turns into a baby :)
So, after a lot of consideration and chatting with Matt he complied and we decided to make a go of it. I did my calculations. I knew when I would be most fertile. I knew when Matt would be most fertile. I had it down...down to the day and time we needed to "try". So we did. Then three days later we "tried" again. With all this timely planning and all my awesome calculations I just knew I was carrying a new little life. I was so excited...and terrified at the same time. What have I done? Have I messed up my perfect family? Have a jipped the three loves I already have? Too late. No turning back now. Now, we wait.
I had a million emotions running through me. The more excited I got, the more scared I got. The more I thought I wanted it, the more I thought I didn't want it. So confused.
I know if we are meant to add to our family God is in control and only he knows what's best. He knows our path. He will take care of us with three kids...or with four.
Well, here we are, three weeks later and I am THRILLED to say that after not one...but five pregnancy tests I am NOT pregnant! I was disappointed at first but that was short lived. I am ecstatic that we are not growing our family.
I firmly believe that me not being pregnant had nothing to do with me not getting the timing right or having my calculations off(I laid with legs above my head twice for crying out loud). Yet, it had EVERYTHING to do with divine intervention from my maker. The maker who has already so graciously given me three wonderful little loves to consume my life and well-being.
I feel like trying to have another baby was the right thing to do and I believe it's just what I needed to bring me back to reality. The reality that I LOVE my kids, they are the ONLY kids I'll EVER need and that our family IS completely whole just the way it is.
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