Realization

As I sit here with the kids eating dinner, listening to them talk about their day and what all they want to do, I realize how stupid I am. There are a ton of reasons for me to be stressed and bitter but triple the reasons I should be thankful. Thankful for them, thankful for my husband and thankful for the life we've made. Thankful for my parents, my brother and my niece and thankful for the few friends I have in spite of myself. I have so many reasons to be proud but most of the time those are overshadowed by the few reasons I am disappointed. I'm disappointed in the mom I am, disappointed in the wife I've been and disappointed in the person I have become. I don't know where I went wrong or what the heck happened. Just know that somewhere I lost sight of myself. I lost who I was. Outgoing, full of life, always happy. Now I'm just bitter and full of negativity. Maybe the numerous bad decisions I have made over the past few years are taking their toll. I love where I am but I can't help to think, where would we be if I had made better choices...financially and otherwise. I feel like I neglect everything in my life. My kids, my marriage and my family. All for no good reason at all. No reason other than shame. Shame of how I make them feel and shame of how I think they all see me. And why shouldn't they, I've done them all wrong time and time again. The person at the brunt of all my stupidity is my husband. A man who has stood by me through it all. Through every dumb decision after another. A man that would lay down his life for me. I have to stop and ask myself if I would do the same thing. I know I would...but do I act that way. Do I act like it enough for him to know it? I question that every day.

The fact that my oldest child is turning 10 in 2 months doesn't help matters. I want him to stay young and innocent. I want to shelter him from this sometimes cruel, hateful world but at the same time I want him to experience all the greatness life has to offer. I try to keep all my kids in a bubble but at some point that bubble is going to bust. I just need to be ready.

I realize the changes I need to make. As a wise man told me, I need to quit putting band aids on the problems and stitch them up for good. That's the part I have problems with. I see my issues and change them for a brief time. I get comfortable with things and revert back to the old ways. It will take time, but I will get there. I just wonder if it will be too late. My kids and marriage are still young so I have faith there is still time.

I have no idea why I decided to write this but it's been a rough week and sometimes it just feels better to get it all out.